


The Padawan Band

by orphan_account



Series: The Adventures of Obi-Wan the Serial Killer [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:32:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin starts a band and Obi-Wan becomes a serial killer. Shameless crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Padawan Band

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really have an explanation for this.

"Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan swatted in the vague direction of the insect. “G’way.”

"Obi-Wan."

"Nnnngh." Stupid Qui-Gon, going away and putting Obi-Wan on Chosen One babysitting duties. He wasn’t even getting  _paid_.

"Obi-Wan!"

"It’s four in the morning so  _unless you are dying you have no need to be here_ ,” he snarled, jolting up in his bed and ready to lunge for his lightsaber. “ _What do you want_?”

Anakin blinked innocently. “Do you think I can sing good?”

"You woke me up for  _that_?” Obi-Wan shouted, and Anakin’s lower lip quivered and he started to cry.

When Anakin cried, it wasn’t just a little sob fest or a couple of tears and snivelling. When Anakin cried, he  _cried_ : vases would shatter, his howling made Obi-Wan’s ears bleed (last time he’d been deaf for a week), and his tears often formed a small puddle where he stood.

"Okay, okay, I’m sorry, please don’t cry. Really, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it," Obi-Wan lied, trying to calm the Chosen One down. "What was the question?"

Anakin sniffled loudly and wiped his streaming nose on the back of his sleeve, leaving a streak of snot all the way up his arm. “Do you think I can sing good?” he whimpered.

Obi-Wan didn’t really have the heart to tell Anakin he sounded like a Gungan getting run over by a speeder when he was singing (but mostly just didn’t want the boy to start crying again), so he patted him on the head and said, “Sure I do.”

Anakin brightened immediately. “YIPEEEE!” he squealed, and Obi-Wan felt one of his eardrums pop.

* * *

 

 _The Padawan Band_  was comprised of four apprentices: Anakin Skywalker as the lead singer, Darra Thel-Tannis on the drums, and Tru Veld with a guitar with two broken strings tied together, and Ferus Olin on a tambourine.

Obi-Wan suspected that Anakin bullied Ferus Olin into joining  _The Padawan Band_ , because Siri’s apprentice looked extremely awkward and was sporting a black eye. Obi-Wan also suspected Anakin had something to do with the name of the band, as the boy tended to lack creativity when naming things. His pet rock was fondly called “Rock”, and the cat he’d rescued from a balcony he called “Cat”. (“Cat” turned out to be a loving home pet who just liked sitting on balconies and hadn’t been in any danger, but it was the intent, Obi-Wan explained hurriedly to the displeased family, that was what mattered.)

 _The Padawan Band_  made its debut performance at dinner one night in the mess hall. Obi-Wan had a bad feeling about it, but wanted to seem supportive of Anakin in Qui-Gon’s absence and took his seat in the audience and clapped politely with the other Jedi as the children struck up their poses.

"This song is dedicated to an angel," Anakin declared, and Obi-Wan’s bad feeling intensified.

* * *

 

_"OHHHHH COME WHAAAAT MAAAAAAY! IIIIIII WILL LOOOOVE YOUUUUUU UNTIL THE ENNNNNND OOOOOOF TIIIIIIIIIME!"_

* * *

 

Quinlan came over that night with a bag filled with bottles of fine Corellian ale. Obi-Wan didn’t consider himself much of a drinker, but he still had two weeks left of looking after Anakin and decided getting drunk was a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

Obi-Wan, it seemed, wasn’t the only one affected by the unique performance of  _The Padawan Band_. He went to Mace Windu the day after, fighting through his hangover, to seek counsel for his negative emotions.

Mace also wanted to talk.

"You know who’s a strange motherfucker ‘round here, Kenobi?" Windu said, eyes narrowed and breath smelling suspiciously of Corellian ale. Obi-Wan guessed Quinlan had been doing the rounds. "That freak Yoda. I can’t say I’d feel sorry if someone bumped him off."

"That’s… dark," Obi-Wan said.

Mace looked like he wanted to say more, possibly about other certain members of the Jedi Council, but the door opened and Yoda himself entered the room, completely naked.

Windu shuddered, and Obi-Wan averted his gaze.

Yoda didn’t seem to have heard the prior conversation. “Hmmm, wonderful music young Anakin creates, Master Kenobi, yes,” he said, sounding senile. “A beautiful voice, he has, heheheh.”

"Oh," Obi-Wan said politely. "Yes, well, I don’t think it’s a good idea to encourage his little band  _too_  much –”

"Asked them to perform at dinner every night, I have!" Yoda said, and waddled off towards his chambers. "Hehehe."

Obi-Wan twitched.

"You see what I mean, Kenobi?" Windu said when Yoda was gone.

Obi-Wan was just going nod, but then thought about Anakin and his band performing every night for dinner, and felt something inside him rupture.

"You wouldn’t mind if someone bumped him off, you say?" Obi-Wan murmured.

Windu stared, then laughed. “I like you, Kenobi.”

* * *

It was a long two weeks, so Obi-Wan picked up a new hobby.

* * *

"Obi-Wan, I was only gone for three weeks. Do you really mean to tell me that in that time twenty-seven Senators and nine of the Council members, _including_ Yoda, were murdered, and  _no-one is investigating_?”

"That’s right," Obi-Wan said mildly, and Qui-Gon gripped his hair.

"And you are now a – a member of the Council?"

"It surprised me too, Master."

"But – you –" Qui-Gon shook his head, then looked around and seemed to realise something was missing. "Hold on, where’s Anakin?"

"Oh, he left the Order to pursue a musical career."

"He  _what?_ ”

"His band is very popular with the Gungans."

_"Obi-Wan!"_

* * *

 

Qui-Gon, to Obi-Wan’s extreme displeasure, personally retrieved Anakin and his unwilling band members from the watery depths of Naboo and brought them all back to the Jedi Temple.

"I thought you wanted to be a Jedi!" Qui-Gon exclaimed in response to Anakin’s complaining, and Anakin scratched his head.

"Oh, yeah, I did, didn’t I?" he said, and skipped off to the mess hall. "Yipee!"

Qui-Gon pinned Obi-Wan with a nasty look, and Obi-Wan shrugged innocently. “I didn’t actually  _tell_  him to attempt a professional career in singing,” he pointed out, and Qui-Gon scowled.

"This is why I didn’t want you as my Padawan," Qui-Gon snapped, and stomped off after Anakin.

Obi-Wan didn’t think that was very nice of Qui-Gon at all.

* * *

So it was possible Obi-Wan didn’t think his actions completely through, because the remaining three members of the Jedi Council (excluding him) decided, following Qui-Gon Jinn’s sudden and tragic (but completely natural) death, that Anakin Skywalker should become Obi-Wan’s Padawan. They all thought the arrangement was a rather brilliant idea and nicely poetic; Mace, in particular, was lauding his cleverness for suggesting it in the first place.

Obi-Wan disagreed.

"Now, let’s not be hasty, Masters," Obi-Wan tried to negotiate, but they were all busy congratulating each other on the decision and didn’t hear him.

* * *

"So. You’re my Master now."

"It appears so."

Anakin pulled a face. “You’re not old enough.”

"I’m on the Jedi Council, that should be more than enough for you."

"You’re the  _only_ one on the Jedi Council!”

"Even better," Obi-Wan said. "Now go and wash the dishes."

* * *

 

Life was pretty good on the Jedi Council. Sometimes Obi-Wan wondered if he should choose other Jedi to join him, but after sitting through a couple of interviews he decided that he really did work better on his own. Master Jek-Tarr was well-meaning and very enthusiastic about the idea of being on the Council, and had some suggestions for improvement of the Order that included synchronised swimming classes every weekend. Obi-Wan much preferred swimming on his own, and held a seminar a few weeks later about the dangers of holding your breath for too long under water and drowning after Master Jek-Tarr was found this way.

Yes, he thought, he liked it when people did what he wanted. The only one who  _wouldn’t_  do what he wanted half the time was his unwanted Padawan, who was frustratingly immune to deadly diseases uncommon to this area of the galaxy.

"Obi-Waaaaaan," Anakin whined, kicking Obi-Wan’s leg.

"What is it now, Anakin?" Obi-Wan sighed, mixing some rat poison into his Padawan’s breakfast.

"I’m  _bored_.”

"What a pity."

Anakin kicked Obi-Wan’s leg again. “I wanna go to the zoo. Can you take me to the zoo?”

 _Ah_ , Obi-Wan thought,  _now that I can arrange_.

* * *

 

With nothing else left to do, Obi-Wan let Anakin sit with him on the Jedi Council. It wasn’t that the 11-year-old boy could offer anything to Obi-Wan’s stellar running of the Order; it was merely that he’d survived this long and that, if nothing else, was worthy of  _some_  respect.

"Master, when are we gonna go on some missions?" he whined. "I’m boooooooored."

"It’s hardly my fault you cannot keep yourself occupied for more than several minutes at a time. Cease that whining or else I'll put you in the cupboard for time-out again."

"But I was just in there for three days! It smells like pee, Master."

"Well next time don't relieve yourself in it and it won't smell like urine, now will it?"

"Maaaaster..."

Obi-Wan sighed. "Would you like me to take you to the zoo again?"

"No! Last time you left me there for five months!"

"And look at how much you learned."

Anakin stomped his foot on the ground. “I wanna go on a mission! Aren’t we supposed to go to Alderaan soon or something?”

“ _We_  are not going anywhere.  _I_  am going to go to Alderaan to settle a diplomatic dispute personally with Bail Organa, and  _you_  are going to stay here and keep the Order running.”

Anakin pulled a face. “IDK how to do that.”

"Do not abbreviate your words, Anakin."

"w/e"

Obi-Wan sighed. “How about you start up that band of yours again and entertain your fellow Jedi at dinner time?” There was no harm in that, as long as Obi-Wan wasn’t around to listen to it.

Anakin pouted heavily this time. “No, I’m bored of the band. I wanna do something else.”

Obi-Wan rather suspected his ‘boredom’ has less to do with his small attention span and more to do with the fact that people seemed to be appreciating Ferus Olin’s tambourine skills more than Anakin’s unique singing voice. Obi-Wan did not have time to suggest an alternate career and/or entertainment module to keep the Order busy during his planned absence, as Anakin suddenly brightened. “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Can I turn the Temple into a pillow fortress, Master?”


End file.
